Saturday morning my 98-year-old mother asked me how I was. I said “good” then asked “how are you”? Her reply, “dying”. I was shocked, turned to look at her and saw that she was smiling. Physically she is in great shape, walking around without aid, dressing and feeding herself, socializing, eating, etc. Her senility is progressing, but isn’t everyone’s over 60?

The other day I was working and could hear her in the silverware drawer. I knew what she was doing and was helpless to stop it in the moment. When my meeting was over and I went to the kitchen, I saw that she had taken all the silverware out of the drawer and there wre 6 formal place settings on the table. Extra knives were lined up beside the other knives at each place. She found a place for everything she had. All of the plates were also out of the cabinet on the counter. She is only 4’6″ so I knew she had to reach and take each plate out one at a time. I was silently livid, because I knew I had to wash it all. Hand washing it got the angst out of my system. One advantage to her lack of memory is that she didn’t really notice that I had removed all the silverware from the table. She simple kept on keeping on with her happy self. I can laugh about it now. The child locks are going on this week.

A couple months ago I was exhausted because Mom was up most of the night wandering around, dropping things, talking to people I cannot see. I had a talk with God about the fact that maybe this arrangement was not going to work. I then heard Him say, “baby gate”. I got up and moved the gate from my bedroom door I use to keep the dogs in my room and put it in the hallway so Mom could not leave her room and wander around the house away from my room. It was magic. She came out of her room that first gate night, paused and went back in her room. I smiled and went back to sleep. At 1:30am the third night of the gate, I hear, “Where are you”? I said, “I’m in bed asleep”. She then said, “Well I need to talk to you about this gate”. I chuckled to myself and responded, “And I need you to go to bed because it is the middle of the night”. She did not say another word, and I heard her go back into her room and close the door. She never touches the gate; it is too high for her to go over or unlock. She could go under it doing the military crawl. I cannot picture her doing that, at this point…

I am so grateful that I can be flexible and present with her now. It has been 5 years now and at first, I was all in thinking, “this will just be for a couple years. I can muscle through it”. Holding my breath for 2 years made me really tired and resentful. I found myself really, really angry. It took a lot of processing, prayer and letting go of expectations to get to where I am now. This is a much better place to be, present with myself and her.

One of the most significant lessons from 2025 has been that when I am attempting to use food, over working, etc to escape from myself or a situation, I am also creating a barrier between myself and God. I am proactively working hard to turn toward God versus away from him. By proactively I mean seeking him through prayer each day, especially in the beginning of my day. Thanking and acknowledging Him throughout the day. Not waiting until I need or want something to seek Him. I know it takes practice, practice and more practice to change a habit. I am determined and know from experience that surrendering to God is the easier, softer way. It feels so much better than running away in any and every form.

That is it from me tonight.

Best regards,

Marie, on her journey