Marie's Journey

Over the weekend while camping I had a dream.

I believe my dreams are my subconscious working things out. I dreamt that I found out Grandma was abducted by two people with swords all those years ago. (Fifty-three years, two months and 6 days ago to be exact.) That I now knew where to find her.

My adult self was so excited, overwhelmed, relieved, and nervous that I could barely contain myself. (The child was excited as well). I imagined her holding me and me holding her tightly and for a very, very long time as we both wept and rejoiced.

As I readied myself to be on my way to her location, another part of me “woke” me up.

I was reminded of the truth, of the memory of her dead in the casket.

I was half awake then and just wept and marveled over how my mid tried to take me to her.

I am overeating already. Feels earlier than usual.

The dream about Grandma is significant as we approach the birthday abuse.

I felt comforted and safe with Grandma. Even though bad things happened, she was strong, I was connected to her emotionally. She was my source of comfort…

Tomorrow will be 3 years since my stepfather, (Dad) passed away and my Mother came to live with me 4 days later. It was not until closer to his death and afterwards that I realized how much I learned from him. How to drive, speaking articulately (he was a toastmaster), how important God and prayer was to him, that he did not see me as a failure and appreciated all I did to help he and mom. I know there is more, but cannot think of it right now. Oh, I know. He was the first man in my home that I could trust. He was sensitive to animals and very spiritual. God and the church were very important to him.

Yesterday I remembered my big sister “Stuff” from rehab 31 years ago. In the first group in rehab I shared a secret that was eating me alive. I was very ashamed. Once I shared it I felt so much lighter, like it created space for me to replace it with something that felt good. It had been ugly and weighing me down. After group I did guided visualization that helped me heal the first pieces of my fractured soul. My big sister Stuff left after I was in rehab a couple of weeks. Once she left, my roommates told me how after I shared my secret in group, people were talking about it and about me and Stuff told them to leave me alone. She protected me and I didn’t even know it. I would have been devastated had I been teased or confronted about my secret. I cried when they told me. It felt like the first time in a very long time that someone protected me from harm.

(Unfortunately I was never able to thank Stuff for what she did because after she discharged she was hit and killed by a car while walking in Baltimore where she lived.)

I remember lying on my bed crying and thinking about what she had done for me without my knowledge after the women told me. It then made me realize that I had never accepted my Grandmother’s death. I was 28 and she died when I was 6. In that moment I realized I was still looking for her, still looking for the first person who did her best to protect me and made me feel safe.

I am currently in what feels like a battle within myself as I attempt to stop trying to run away from my memories of childhood abuse. Running away from them leaves me trying to run away from myself. Not only is it not possible, but it is certainly not healthy, comfortable or fulfilling. It feels like repeated torment, and I am perpetuating it for myself.

I am ready to let it go and working on doing just that from every facet of my being. Spiritually, I am praying, studying the bible and have become more active in my church again. Physically, I have been working out with a trainer 2 days a week for the past 2 years and have begun a weight loss program. Psychologically and emotionally, I am in therapy again.

I feel hopeful and motivated to tackle what feels like the final piece, the origin of my fractured spirit. To embrace all of myself.

To be whole once more…

Had a fabulous Thanksgiving this year. Relaxed. Listened to music, danced and sang while preparing dinner for Mom and I. Not sure why I never tried garlic mashed potatoes before, but today I decided to add 2 large cloves of finely chopped garlic to my mashed potatoes. They were absolutely delicious. Changed my stuffing recipe slightly also and it turned out better than ever.

Spent lots of time watching the birds, petting the dogs and cat and reading a children’s book to myself about “The Marsh In The Meadow”. It was really cute and fun to read. Texted 20 plus people a Thanksgiving greeting and ended my day by writing my annual gratitude list. It was a very long list. I am very thankful and love this day of reflection on all the ways my life is irrefutably just perfect, just the way it is supposed to be in this day, this moment. Ahhh, “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”, for sure!

I will close with this. Mom told me this morning that she had a dream about two women she did not recognize in her room speaking a language she did not understand. She was not afraid, but she also said I had knocked on her door at 8:00 AM prompting her to get up. She did get up, washed up then realized that I was still in bed asleep. She chalked it all up to a dream. I wonder if she is beginning to move closer to the spirit realm.

We shall see…

For the past month I have been struggling a great deal with overeating. I found myself saying “I need to eat dinner” would eat and then remembered that I had already had dinner but was too numb to realize it prior to eating again. That is until I was sick to my stomach…

Today I remembered that as a teenager I used to eat dinner at home, then go to a friend’s house or to a restaurant and eat dinner again. As if I had not previously eaten. This happened mostly at dinner time or in the evening on an almost daily basis. I had forgotten about that until today as I have been trying to develop a plan to deal with my childhood trauma in a healthier way. I started hiking again and have just been trying to be more conscious of my body, making space for memories to surface and allow myself to grieve.

Earlier today I also found out about the pregnancy of a friend. I am excited for her and jealous, as I always wanted to have a baby. Hours later as I kept recognizing some rising angst, it dawned on me that the anniversary of my hysterectomy was October 23. No wonder I have been off center, feeling a sense of loss and that those feelings intensified when I learned about my friend.

I cannot even remember acknowledging the date of my hysterectomy before. It is time to allow myself to grieve that loss and let it go. I know that today I actually can do that, whereas I don’t think I was ready to let it go previously. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. I truly believe that. Every loss, adversity and struggle are opportunities. I don’t always know why or how the other side of the struggle will work out, but I have learned that what comes next is more peaceful and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

Here is to letting go of old wounds and making space for what is next for me on this journey of peace and healing.

Cleaned out my closet over the past week of all the clothes that are too big for me now. A huge pile to donate. As I examined each piece of clothing, I was amazed at how large the items looked compared to my current size. Don’t get me wrong, I still remain uncomfortable with some parts of my body, but the point is, I am present and comfortable with most of it for the first time in my life.

I have 6 more pounds to hit my original goal of 185 pounds. I started out at 284 pounds in 2008. It has been a long journey of ups, downs and gradual changes in my lifestyle that includes my eating habits, exercise, daily routine, self-appraisal, self-compassion, spirituality and commitment. I began trying to expend as much time providing care and attention to myself as I do to others. The goal is at least 50/50. I shortchanged myself for way too long believing this is how I would get my needs and wants met. I am soooo grateful for the gift of autonomy, to have the ability to now look inward to meet my needs and wants. Grateful to know I am enough. This does not mean I do not need others, it just means I do not need them in the same desperate, unhealthy, co-dependent way I used to believe I did.

What an oxymoron to yearn so desperately for love and caring from others, while at the same time perpetuating a wall that kept others and myself at bay. A wall or boundary for “safety”, when it was really a wall of insecurity and helplessness. It kept me from finding what I craved. My spirit is my prime resource, without access to it I cannot thrive, cannot find happiness, contentment or peace. Gradually allowing myself to experience the discomfort and fear locked away within myself, space has been made for the present. The ability to be autonomous and present means that I have choices and the capacity to feel joy, compassion and peace. I can just be if I choose, whenever I choose.

Watching the birds and insects right now. I notice a toad under the bird bath on the back porch. As I watched I saw it quickly turn toward an insect, then flick out it’s tongue and grab the insect that was 4 inches away. I smiled in amazement. Each time I see a bird get a drink or bathe itself I smile and am filled with warmth to the pit of my stomach. I smile just to feel the warm sun on my skin. It is a new day, a new opportunity to fill my day with the things that feed my soul.

Hard to believe it has been 4 years since my brother passed away. I miss him terribly…

Four years ago today I was with he and his family. He wanted me to be there to meet with Hospice who was coming for the first time. Physically he had significantly deteriorated in the 2 weeks since I had seen him last. On that day he said to me, “why am I still here? I’m ready to go”. We sat quietly for a moment, then he said, “oh, maybe it’s because other people aren’t ready”. I just smiled and said “maybe”.

In March of 2018 I was in the car at my office when he called me. As soon as I answered I could hear the emotion in his voice. He told me that the doctor gave him 2 months to live. We both cried. He said that at some point his airway will get constricted. Through his tears he said, “I thought I’d have more time”…

It hit me at some point that there was so much I did not know about my brother so on May 10, I asked him, “what’s your favorite flower”? “Jack in the Pulpit” he said and described why and where they came up on his property every year by the bridge over the creek. I asked, “what is your favorite wood to build with?”, he said, “Maple”. His favorite things to make were bird houses and bike accessories. He was a wood and leather craftsman.

In April this year, for the first time on my property I noticed a flower in the woods as I walked down my driveway. I walked the 30 feet into the woods to confirm my suspicion and confirmed that it was Jack in the Pulpit. Every time I see them, I feel a connection with my brother.

I have lost almost 100 pounds, just 6 pounds short of it now. Over the years I remember my brother asking me every time he talked to me, “when are you going to lose weight”? Since I was so detached from myself at the time, I didn’t see how obese I had become, so sluffed off his comments. It was years later that I woke up and became aware of my body as it really was. In my mind my body was not different from how it had been when I weighed 185. I am present in my body for the first time in my life. I feel strong and grounded in it at 190 and look forward to my goal of 170.

I understand now why my brother rode his bike 12 miles a day until the last 12 months of his life when he no longer had the balance and his pain was unrelenting, so he walked his property multiple times daily instead. Why he gently asked me each time we talked, “when are you going to lose weight”? It was out of love and caring that he softened his voice and asked me this question. I am so grateful for him. I am so grateful that I have these spiritual connections with him today and forever.

Thank you big brother, for always being with me…

It is with awe and wonderment that I have lived without a drink or drug one day at a time for 30 years…

Last Sunday I noticed some impatience and taking a deeper look I felt a slight but familiar heaviness. Sitting with it, I realized that 30 years ago that day I had hit my lowest bottom. The bottom that gave me the honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to start changing myself, my life. 

I was distraught that day 30 years ago. Feeling shame, worthlessness, no hope, wanting to die. I felt lost and was led to a place where I had had a spiritual awakening as an early teen. It was a camp I used to attend each summer and one summer another camper and I had a vision of who we identified as Christ. I had been troubled then and the vision made me feel comforted, free from worry and peaceful. So on Sunday March 27, 1992 I decided to return to that same spot at camp that I had found that peach as a teenager. Lost as I was, somehow I thought I would find answers at camp and was not aware how my life was about to change.

I couldn’t tell you if I had been drinking that night, but if it was a typical night I was. I didn’t even remember how to get to camp, but found my way there in the dark. I parked in the field where the other camper and I had seen Christ that night. There under the stars I talked aloud to my HP, God about how I couldn’t go on, how awful I was, how I couldn’t stand myself. I wanted so badly to escape from “ME”. From my pain and anguish, my disgust and shame. 

God spoke to me that night and somewhere inside myself I knew it was an end and a beginning. That is why I wanted to die, because my belief is that it is an end and a beginning. But God had other plans for me here on earth. I suddenly left the camp and went to the nearest store with a pay phone, which was ironically a liquor store. I called someone who a few years prior, God had put in my life to interrupt their own suicide. Now as I shared what I was feeling she begged me to get some help, to talk to a professional. I said I would, then knew exactly who I would call the next day, Monday morning. He was a counselor I had seen previously. He had taught me guided meditation/visualization. It was in his office that I first met my younger self. I trusted him.

Monday March 28, 1992 I called the counselor, he squeezed me in for an appointment that afternoon. I don’t remember what I told him, but he said, “how about going to rehab”? I said, “okay” not even knowing what that meant. He was making plans and talking about me going the next day. I said, “I can’t go tomorrow, how about Friday”? I remember him sitting back in his chair and imagine him thinking, “she’s not ready after all”. I quickly reassured him that I was willing to go on Friday, but needed to talk to my boss to let him know I would be gone for 28 days, my disabled Father lived with me so I needed to put some things in place. My insurance didn’t cover rehab either so I had to come with $1000 by Friday to get in, then make a payment plan. I borrowed money from my church and got the rest from my Dad. 

From the moment I had the feeling at the camp, I had a knowing, a willingness to follow directions. For the first time in my life, I was not the one doing all the planning, scheming, controlling, dreaming, trying to make things happen, to make myself happy. I had surrendered that I did not know what I was doing and needed guidance from people outside my self, and from God/Spirit within myself.

Friday April 1, 1992 I entered rehab. I was scared to death of feeling what it was like without a drug or drink, to be with myself. I had been running away from me, from my shame since my first drink at age 7. Feeling was the thing I was most afraid of. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, way more than I even realized. Rehab was more unstructured on the weekends so I was in my head a lot. I remember that first day telling myself and someone else that I was just there to get my life straightened out so I would be able to drink again. SMH, LOL

Sunday April 3, 1992 I relented to not drinking for 1 year. I made a commitment to give the “program” 1 year, but if I was not happy by then, I was drinking again. My commitment was that I was ALL in. I dove into whatever was suggested by people who had something I wanted. The something I wanted was inner peace, contentment. If a person had that, then I was watching them and listening to what they did. In our first group on Monday April 3, 1992 I told the group the deepest, darkest secret I was aware of at that time. It was the thing I was most ashamed of. I couldn’t live with it anymore. As soon as I said it, I felt a little lighter. I could see a very small light shining within myself. My healing began. It was the first time in my life that I did not care, didn’t even think or worry what other people would think of me. I was at the point where I was drowning and had to save myself. No one else’s opinion mattered right then. It felt like life or death.

(Side note. I have to keep stopping as I write to sob as my body remembers where I came from…)

After group that day I walked away kind of with a spring in my step for the first time in my life. Walking out, another group member asked me if I was worried that people would talk about me or spread my secret. I looked at him and “no”. That was the first time I ever felt at all comfortable with me. I never even thought about that again until 3 weeks into rehab when my “big sister” graduated and left. Each new person was assigned a “big sister” to show them around and help them get acclimated to rehab. Mine was a fierce young woman from Baltimore City, MD who wore leather pants and was very “outspoken”. After she left, my remaining roommate and another woman told me how people had been gossiping about me after that first group and how my “big sister” had defended me and threatened them to leave me alone. That, that was the first time I can ever remember feeling loved. I just sobbed when they told me, as I am now. My “big sister” had protected me so that I could do the work I needed to do to recover without my even knowing she was doing it. 

Gratitude on a very deep level began with my recovery journey. From Spirit to my friend’s suggestion of getting help, to my counselor, my “big sister” and it continues to be a huge part of my recovery today. Step work began in rehab and once I left I went to at least one meeting every day for months, found a sponsor, did service work and said the serenity prayer too many times to count in a day. 

Surrendering my old way of life is the best decision I ever made and continue to make. I would not know that had I not tried, had not taken some big steps. One of my philosophies has been to give recovery at least the same energy and time I did to using. For 20 plus years I spent over half my day using or figuring out how to use or to get money to use or to hide my use…

Blindly and without reluctance I used all kinds of substances, not even knowing what they were or how they would affect me. I applied the same lack of reluctance to AA and working the 12 steps.

Today I spend over half my time gaining awareness/paying attention to the thoughts and behaviors that bring me inner peace and serenity, then I do more of those. If I am not planning or allowing myself to succeed today, then I am planning to fail. There is no standing still. It is forward or backwards and I am going to keep choosing forward.

Today I am eternally grateful for you women and this program.

Today, I am loved by me and it is enough. I am enough…

Best,

Marie

Our country and economy were built on the creation and perpetuation of spiritual dissonance. This push for instant gratification and the constant movement/activity of our bodies and minds keeps us off balance. So off balance that we haven’t a clue we are holding our breaths and missing every precious moment. 

Spiritual dissonance keeps us blind and grasping for something that cannot be attained in our state of unawareness. We are socialized this way. It keeps us ignorant, blind, unfulfilled and deeply indebted mentally, physically, spiritually and financially. Our constant chase for “happiness” is perpetually out of our grasp, but close enough that we continue buying into the lie of attainment through possessions and everything outside of ourselves.

Spiritual contentment, what is it?

It is like experiencing a sunrise on an isolated beach (with or without loved ones nearby). Feeling the sand under our feet and between our toes; feeling the ocean breeze and mist on our skin; the smell and taste of the salty air; hearing the waves roll and the bird’s song; feeling the vibration and energy in our core of the waves crashing and receding.

This contentment is a gift that we can experience anytime and everywhere we are. We need only to envision that beach sunrise or other vision in order to experience it in this moment. It can be attained free of charge, under any and all circumstances and without attachment or debt.

It is simple to attain, although takes commitment and practice. We spend our lives focused on false beliefs and chasing them. As well as beating ourselves up for failing to attain the unattainable bliss we seek. Whatever it is we honestly seek, is what we will truly find.

Our truth, happiness, contentment and peace lie within ourselves. We need only to seek it, to listen to our entire selves. Too easily do we allow our minds, our imaginations to rob us of the present and keep us regretting the past and/or fearful of the future. We focus on those things and people we have no control over, when we only have control over ourselves.

Today, my journey consists of embodying those thoughts, activities and behaviors that bring me closer to spiritual peace.   

What direction are you headed in?

Written June 7, 2020