Marie's Journey

twenty eight years…
It is hard to believe that I have been sober one day at a time for 28 years…

This is a significant sober birthday for me because I got sober when I was 28, so I have now been sober as long as I had used. I was introduced to alcohol early through hot toddy’s, bourbon on the gums and draining bottles of left-over wine from the fridge at age 7. I remember climbing up on the kitchen counter to get a bottle of wine when there was no more in the fridge. I drank it warm. Thank God, (my HP) that my Mom and Step Dad really didn’t drink very often and did not replace the wine so I moved on to other ways to alter myself at that young age.

By my 28th belly button birthday I was ready to kill myself. Absolutely miserable with myself, life and everything within my small narrow vision. I could not see how narrow my vision was at that time, how by my own thinking and behavior I was keeping myself stuck. Repeating the same things over and over while desperately longing for a different life. There are early childhood, adolescent and young adulthood traumas in my story, awful things happened outside my control.

Until I stopped running away from everything and especially myself, I could not see clearly. That I was still trying to escape from things and from myself. The greatest gift I have received in sobriety is that I have choices. The steps have taught me what I do that works and doesn’t work and how to change it. The steps, my sponsor, my sponsees and other’s in my life have taught me how to change. How to find out who I really am, how to accept and love myself no matter what. That I am good enough right now, no matter the circumstances in the world that I know how to be content, peaceful and present.

It is this contentment, this love for myself and compassion for myself that keeps me coming back, working the steps, working with others and continuing to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand him.

I have discovered that I cannot love anyone or anything else more deeply than I can love myself. Life is so much broader than the tiny, narrow box that got created early in my life and that I kept myself trapped in for years later. Nothing or no one was in my way more than I was. Giving up my old way of life one day at a time, one little piece at a time has given me the greatest gifts I never could have imagined.
Keep coming back, keep working the steps. If you want things to change, then let go, let god and change.

Upon reflection it feels as though I lived many lives simultaneously when I was growing up…I maintained girl scouts, band, church, youth group, addiction, babysitting and school. All before I was even 16. Sometimes as a result of the drugs I used, I would be up all night quietly cleaning out my file cabinet…

I still keep myself so busy because I do not feel worthy. Not quite good enough to deserve being happy, content, satisfied. Still sometimes feeling as though I have to keep working so hard to prove myself, to prove I am worthy…

Today I am grateful to experience some peace and serenity within myself, even when life is chaotic on the outside. Amusing now to think of how I attempted to find order in my chaos…the illusion of chaos.

Today I know that I am in control of my illusions and perceptions. I can change my perspective anytime I chose to.

Today when spending time with my parents for Christmas, I made the comment “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. I’m not certain who to credit for that saying, but I followed it up with my own realization…

The most difficult part of that statement is the ability to recognize when it’s “broke”. Often times the “broke” is very subtle and gives the appearance of “ain’t broke”. I am NOT willing to accept things that I have the power to change today. I am working to broaden my perspective to see the “broke” more clearly.

From 2/28/19 7:30 PM
Driving home from the office, almost home, in front of the neighbor’s there stood a 6-point buck in the road before me. He was hurt, missing the lower part of his front left leg below the knee. My stomach dropped, a hopeless sorrow, lump in my throat…as he paused there then tired to slowly limp on the stump of his leg across the road. I came to a full stop, no one coming behind or in front of me.
He turned back and limped to the side of the road, then into the woods as I sat frozen with grief…
With a helpless, hopeless, suffering, that wrenches me to the core…
that twists my soul…

– I remember playing in my closet, where it was dark, warm and quiet. I could hear chattering and I felt safe sitting on that cool floor in the dark with whoever was talking. It was a happy chatter, it felt light and carefree, it made me smile as I felt the different textures of clothing hanging above me. I chattered back and suddenly asked myself “who could it be?”, “God” I thought, but to my surprise I realized that it was me, talking to a voice inside of me I did not recognize. With a shoulder shrug, we kept talking…

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton