Marie's Journey

Looking for balance within myself. So much has changed over the past 2 years…

Am down to 195 pounds as of this morning for the first time in over 115 years at least. Finding balance in eating using the majority of the food I eat as fuel, to care for my body versus work against it. Am discovering how to balance my hypersensitivity to environmental noise. Noise being the television, people talking, especially people wanting verbal input from me. Realized that the term “auditory and sensory defensiveness” describes my struggle very well. My nervous system gets triggered, I brace and lose my presence which over time leaves me depleted emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically.

Living in the space between the chaos is what I strive for…what I crave. For 28 years I survived living with internal chaos that created external chaos. Learning how to reduce and eliminate the source, the internal chaos has been the most precious gift. Without God it would not exist and without Him helping me, the present would have continued to escape my grasp.

The last few leaves are still displaying their color on the trees. It is cool, sunny and breezy. I have been enjoying watching the Pileated Woodpeckers, Black Capped Chickadees and Carolina Wrens flit about the yard eating insects and seed.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and is now so close. Over the past ten I created a Thanksgiving for myself that includes preparing the foods I love and peace I embrace. Each year I write a list of everything I am grateful for and a list of all the people I reach out to on that day to let them know they are in my thoughts.

I am very excited this year as I am now consistently under 200 pounds and am committed to reaching my goal weight by the first of the year. Mom and I are finding our new normal living together full time. I am grateful to have this quality time to spend with her here at home.

It is hard to believe how much quiet I crave compared to the chaotic life I once lived.

Growing up it felt like I lived multiple lives as my Mother enrolled me in numerous activities. There was dance, guitar, folk singers, piano lessons, Girl Scouts, church, Sunday School, cross country running, basketball, tennis, Karate, taking care of our pets daily, Saxophone lessons. Don’t get me wrong, I am a well rounded person because of the diverse exposure I experienced as a child. We went to dinner theaters, concerts, museums, parks. You name it and we did it.

The problem is I was not taught how to relax, how to balance all that business with contentment and stillness. I discovered stillness in the Girl Scouts while spending time in the woods. Ahhh…I could breathe when I took time away by myself and was with nature. No talking, just nature.

The natural world is my safe place, my connection to myself, to God, to the core of me.

With my Mother now living with me I am reminded of the constant chatter, television and activity that is her. She could not teach me balance, how to relax because she cannot. We cannot teach something we do not ourselves possess.

As a child I would steal away in the closet to find some quiet. As I got older I would stay up late, sometimes all night just to have no one talking to me and be able to do whatever I wanted to without interruption or expectation. I find myself doing that now that Mom is living here with me.

I am working to create space for myself to relax. My home has been my safe, quiet space until now and I must get some piece of it back lest I crack. It is so triggering since my Mom is pretty much the same as she was when I was growing up. I find myself in fight, flight, freeze much too often these days and it is taking a toll on my physical, spiritual and mental health.

I keep reminding myself that my Mother is in the final stage of her life and I need to be as present as possible. But that is really difficult. I am going to do some 12 step work around my false beliefs, anger and mistrust of my Mother. This time is an opportunity for me to heal from this, my first interpersonal relationship. By doing so I have a chance to have more healthy relationships with others. Of course in the present, my relationship with Mom will likely improve now also.

God, I cannot do this on my own. Please help me be the person you want me to be. Please give me the strength and willingness to let go old thoughts, behaviors and fears. Thank you, Amen

Over twenty five years ago I listened to my boss tell me that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right” as he fussed at me for my explanation of why I left dirty paint brushes to dry up and get ruined. I told him that my co-worker had left them so why should I have cleaned them. I stood there dumbfounded as I realized I was just as wrong as my co-worker by not doing the right thing and cleaning the brushes.

That is one of the many lessons I learned from Bob, the best supervisor I have ever had. He made a point of knowing his employees strengths and gently coaching me through challenges I had not even recognized I had. I witnessed him do this with all of his employees. I watched Bob do the filthiest of jobs himself at times, because he would never ask us to do something he was not willing to do. He had an uncanny/intuitive way of knowing when I was bored and frustrated, so he would send me off to do some day or two long project by myself that was out of the ordinary. It was probably the third or fourth time he did this that I caught on to what he was doing.

I discovered that by sending me off by myself with a challenge was grounding for me. It centered me and gave me new found motivation, purpose and a sense of accomplishment. He had high standards and expectations that taught me how to take pride in my work. Not just pride in the finished product, but attention to detail along the way and pride throughout the process.

When I went away to rehab for 28 days, Bod mailed me a letter with a photo of the park entrance. He wrote a message on the back of the photo that said, ” so you don’t forget your way home”. I cried when I received it…

Bod sadly died suddenly of a heart attack in his mid forties. I will never forget all the lessons he taught me and am grateful for the opportunity to have worked with and for him.

Thank you Bob!

Hard to believe that my Dad passed away a year ago. It has been a very busy year getting the house packed up, sold and my Mother settled at my house. I don’t think either of us are settled yet, as there are still many boxes to sort through and permanent locations for items to dwell.

I miss the long stretches of uninterrupted time I spent in the house and yard. The weekends are no longer mine either so I steal bits of time whenever I can to sit quietly gazing at the woods and the natural life outside my windows.

There is much to be done, but energy or desire to do it are lacking. I get bursts of energy and motivation, they have been curtailed not just by my Mother’s needs, but also my finicky stomach. I have be extremely careful about what I eat and how much. Of course I do not remain diligent about that until I have a flare up and readjust my eating habits again. Will I ever learn? 🙂

This afternoon after a couple of chores I am going to start recording my Mother’s memories with her. I plan to share them with the family later. This will be my way of learning more about my Mother and being able to hear her tell her story for years to come.

I am now realizing that getting older really sucks. As life calms down, finances balance out and I can do a lot more of what I want comfortably, my body is changing for the worse. It is like a bad joke. All I can do now is to focus on physical, emotional, spiritual and mental care like my life depends on it, because it does. This is the time in my life for self care, to have a heavy focus on a healthier me.

The anniversary of my brother’s death is approaching. (deep sigh)

I miss him terribly, but think about him often. He taught me so much about how to be self sufficient or at least gain an understanding of how things work, how to make repairs. He talked so much, ranted often about politics and couldn’t wait to get off the phone sometimes. As I imagine listening to him, if I had the opportunity now I would simply smile. What a joy it would be just hearing his voice. I can imagine it, can hear it crystal clear in this moment.

My Dad died last year and now I have the opportunity to enjoy my Mother as she lives out her last days in my home with me. Our home for now. Monday I took at walk in the park early in the morning. when I returned Mom was not up yet. The thought crossed my mind “I hope she is okay”. I did not want to open her door for fear I may wake her, but I was nervous.

I had a work appointment at 10:00 AM and was very relieved when I heard her bedroom door open around 10:15. A sense of gratitude overwhelmed me as I later greeted her with a kiss and hug, telling her “I love you”. The thought of losing her made me realize how precious each moment is now.

Do I still lose my patience with her? Absolutely! It is difficult and a process to redirect myself from the years of autopilot negative responses. I am catching myself and letting things go much faster. I am grateful to God that I have been practicing and changing over the past 29 years so know I am ready for these current challenges.

Thank God for the willingness to change!

My big brother died 2 years ago today…

I miss him terribly…

Here is my message for him that I read at his funeral:

Doug was called Maurice for by his immediate family for 20 plus years before we started calling him Doug. So, in my sharing you will hear me refer to him as Maurice and Doug.

From Mom
A baby boy born on July 14 weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces. I don’t know where the time went- Kindergarten, Boy Scouts (I was a den mother and Maurice earned the honor of Eagle Scout), Trumpet lessons, the National Museum of Art (At least a dozen visits in a 2-year period), the Navy and being awakened by Maurice at 3 and 4:00 am to watch eclipses through his telescope.
A baby sister was born when Maurice was 6 years old. He was very attentive to her, and she loved him very much. One year at Bullis (a private school for boys). High School and working.
I remember at dinner one evening Maurice announced he was looking for a job as a trash man. I quickly glanced at my mother hoping she would not make a comment. I quickly responded, “in New York trash collector’s salaries are higher than teachers”. He did get a job as a trash man, it didn’t last very long. He couldn’t stand getting dirty and working in all kinds of weather.
Maurice heard about a housing project being built which was near our house. He went to the site, talked with the boss and apprenticed himself to the electrician the plumber and the carpenter. He volunteered his services to them. It was not long before he shared with the family he was going to be a carpenter. The family was happy about his decision.

From Dad
I am extremely grateful to God for the many gifts He provided Maurice. Yes, gifts that provided him with the ability to become a true craftsman!

From Doug’s Little Sister (Me)
From a young age my brother was very curious about how things worked. Our biological Father told me about the time when Maurice was little and put a screw driver through our Father’s car radiator. Or the time our Father searched for a toy that his inquisitive son would not be able to disassemble. He found a truck called “big bruiser” and was guaranteed that a child would not be able to get it apart. It took less than a few hours and Maurice had it in pieces.
I remember him lying on the sidewalk in front of our house watching the jumping spiders. My mother will tell you how he identified the spiders and insects, telling her which ones were helpful to her garden and not allowing her to kill them. He would read about everything he was interested in.
I have fond memories of going to the Montgomery County Model Air Park so he could fly the model air planes and launch the rockets he had built. He also built model cars that he raced up the street in front of our house. We lived at the end of a long cul-de-sac so there was very minimal traffic. One of those model cars ran on a line that Doug had running up the road. I remember the trash man who we had for years, would be so careful to avoid interrupting my brother’s rig for the car. The man would modify his driving route and get out and talk to Doug and watch the car operate. He spent time out of his day with my brother.

My mother mentioned how she spent many a Sunday afternoon at the National Museum of Art because my brother loved it there. She would take a book and read on a bench while he looked at the displays and talked to the security staff. They were very familiar with him.

My big brother played some practical jokes on me. The most memorable was the ghost he rigged up in our utility room. When I opened the door, it came skidding down a piece of fishing line toward me and startled the heck out of me. I was the typical little sister who got on his nerves. One time I had annoyed him so and he chased me around the house with a lit blow torch. Unfortunately for him, Mom and Dad had recently left the house and saw the event from the road below our house and came back immediately.
When I was 16 my brother took me out driving in his VW bug in the snow. He made me do donuts in an empty parking lot, slam on the brakes and purposely skid so that I would know how to handle the car. These lessons have saved me from having accidents many times in real life driving situations. He forced me to complete a tune up on my car. I had asked him to help me do a tune up and he sent me to the auto parts store with a list of things to buy. When I returned, he showed me where all the parts went, showed me the tool to use and said, “see ya” and left. I did what he said and felt a sense of accomplishment when I was finished. He checked my work when he returned and that was the start of me tackling many auto repairs, household repairs, building projects and much more. My mother taught me that if I could read I could cook, my brother took that further in helping me see that if I could read and followed directions I could do anything.

My brother rode motorcycles, snowshoed, kayaked, rock climbed and repelled, even had his own hang glider. He was adventurous, intelligent, kind, friendly, creative, ambitious, and from where I sit he did not accept any limitations that life threw his way. He found a way around and through with his knowledge and creativity. When he did not know the answer to something, he researched at the library, online and by talking to people with experience in that particular field.

I am extremely grateful to have had the opportunity to have such wonderful brother who I love dearly. Grateful that in the past 3 years he and I talked about life, death…we had conversations we had not had before.

My brother is not suffering anymore…
He is not physically present anymore…but I feel him everywhere now.

He is with us in spirit always…until we meet again…

At home, Pandemic still going on.

Stay at home order in effect through May 31. I am enjoying being home so much. Relaxing rejuvenating. Enjoying my home, pets and nature. A lot more present and grounded.

Down to 206 pounds for the first time in over 20 years. Being accountable to a Health Coach through my new Health Share Program has helped a lot.

Struggle areas are: in the evening I graze, crave crunchy things so keep getting a handful of nuts (which are too high in calories). There is an oral sensation that I keep trying to fulfill with food, but it doesn’t fulfill it. God, what can I do instead? Be present with my mouth and body before eating, drink a glass of water, pray, exercise.

My stomach can also have a “hollow” “gnawing” feeling, a sensation that draws me to eat even though I am not hungry or worse yet, when I am already full.

Next Friday 5/15 is the day I went to my brother’s house to meet with Hospice…

Feeling those emotions right now. That could be the gnawing in my stomach. Also just noticed that I was holding my breath and my mouth felt like having something crunchy. Maybe I need to move my tongue and jaw around, create saliva, be more present with my mouth sensations. I flee from those sensations because my 4 year old body remembers the penis in the back of her mouth and throat…

When I eat crunchy things or clench my teeth that sensation is not there. How else can I get rid of it? Swallowing, drinking something hot, pray. Touching the outside of my throat seems to help, soothes the inside. Gently covering my mouth with my hand also helps. Have to sit with it, be present to move through and past it…