For the past month I have been struggling a great deal with overeating. I found myself saying “I need to eat dinner” would eat and then remembered that I had already had dinner but was too numb to realize it prior to eating again. That is until I was sick to my stomach…

Today I remembered that as a teenager I used to eat dinner at home, then go to a friend’s house or to a restaurant and eat dinner again. As if I had not previously eaten. This happened mostly at dinner time or in the evening on an almost daily basis. I had forgotten about that until today as I have been trying to develop a plan to deal with my childhood trauma in a healthier way. I started hiking again and have just been trying to be more conscious of my body, making space for memories to surface and allow myself to grieve.

Earlier today I also found out about the pregnancy of a friend. I am excited for her and jealous, as I always wanted to have a baby. Hours later as I kept recognizing some rising angst, it dawned on me that the anniversary of my hysterectomy was October 23. No wonder I have been off center, feeling a sense of loss and that those feelings intensified when I learned about my friend.

I cannot even remember acknowledging the date of my hysterectomy before. It is time to allow myself to grieve that loss and let it go. I know that today I actually can do that, whereas I don’t think I was ready to let it go previously. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. I truly believe that. Every loss, adversity and struggle are opportunities. I don’t always know why or how the other side of the struggle will work out, but I have learned that what comes next is more peaceful and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

Here is to letting go of old wounds and making space for what is next for me on this journey of peace and healing.