Hard to believe it has been 4 years since my brother passed away. I miss him terribly…

Four years ago today I was with he and his family. He wanted me to be there to meet with Hospice who was coming for the first time. Physically he had significantly deteriorated in the 2 weeks since I had seen him last. On that day he said to me, “why am I still here? I’m ready to go”. We sat quietly for a moment, then he said, “oh, maybe it’s because other people aren’t ready”. I just smiled and said “maybe”.

In March of 2018 I was in the car at my office when he called me. As soon as I answered I could hear the emotion in his voice. He told me that the doctor gave him 2 months to live. We both cried. He said that at some point his airway will get constricted. Through his tears he said, “I thought I’d have more time”…

It hit me at some point that there was so much I did not know about my brother so on May 10, I asked him, “what’s your favorite flower”? “Jack in the Pulpit” he said and described why and where they came up on his property every year by the bridge over the creek. I asked, “what is your favorite wood to build with?”, he said, “Maple”. His favorite things to make were bird houses and bike accessories. He was a wood and leather craftsman.

In April this year, for the first time on my property I noticed a flower in the woods as I walked down my driveway. I walked the 30 feet into the woods to confirm my suspicion and confirmed that it was Jack in the Pulpit. Every time I see them, I feel a connection with my brother.

I have lost almost 100 pounds, just 6 pounds short of it now. Over the years I remember my brother asking me every time he talked to me, “when are you going to lose weight”? Since I was so detached from myself at the time, I didn’t see how obese I had become, so sluffed off his comments. It was years later that I woke up and became aware of my body as it really was. In my mind my body was not different from how it had been when I weighed 185. I am present in my body for the first time in my life. I feel strong and grounded in it at 190 and look forward to my goal of 170.

I understand now why my brother rode his bike 12 miles a day until the last 12 months of his life when he no longer had the balance and his pain was unrelenting, so he walked his property multiple times daily instead. Why he gently asked me each time we talked, “when are you going to lose weight”? It was out of love and caring that he softened his voice and asked me this question. I am so grateful for him. I am so grateful that I have these spiritual connections with him today and forever.

Thank you big brother, for always being with me…