Cleaned out my closet over the past week of all the clothes that are too big for me now. A huge pile to donate. As I examined each piece of clothing, I was amazed at how large the items looked compared to my current size. Don’t get me wrong, I still remain uncomfortable with some parts of my body, but the point is, I am present and comfortable with most of it for the first time in my life.

I have 6 more pounds to hit my original goal of 185 pounds. I started out at 284 pounds in 2008. It has been a long journey of ups, downs and gradual changes in my lifestyle that includes my eating habits, exercise, daily routine, self-appraisal, self-compassion, spirituality and commitment. I began trying to expend as much time providing care and attention to myself as I do to others. The goal is at least 50/50. I shortchanged myself for way too long believing this is how I would get my needs and wants met. I am soooo grateful for the gift of autonomy, to have the ability to now look inward to meet my needs and wants. Grateful to know I am enough. This does not mean I do not need others, it just means I do not need them in the same desperate, unhealthy, co-dependent way I used to believe I did.

What an oxymoron to yearn so desperately for love and caring from others, while at the same time perpetuating a wall that kept others and myself at bay. A wall or boundary for “safety”, when it was really a wall of insecurity and helplessness. It kept me from finding what I craved. My spirit is my prime resource, without access to it I cannot thrive, cannot find happiness, contentment or peace. Gradually allowing myself to experience the discomfort and fear locked away within myself, space has been made for the present. The ability to be autonomous and present means that I have choices and the capacity to feel joy, compassion and peace. I can just be if I choose, whenever I choose.

Watching the birds and insects right now. I notice a toad under the bird bath on the back porch. As I watched I saw it quickly turn toward an insect, then flick out it’s tongue and grab the insect that was 4 inches away. I smiled in amazement. Each time I see a bird get a drink or bathe itself I smile and am filled with warmth to the pit of my stomach. I smile just to feel the warm sun on my skin. It is a new day, a new opportunity to fill my day with the things that feed my soul.