It is hard to believe how much quiet I crave compared to the chaotic life I once lived.

Growing up it felt like I lived multiple lives as my Mother enrolled me in numerous activities. There was dance, guitar, folk singers, piano lessons, Girl Scouts, church, Sunday School, cross country running, basketball, tennis, Karate, taking care of our pets daily, Saxophone lessons. Don’t get me wrong, I am a well rounded person because of the diverse exposure I experienced as a child. We went to dinner theaters, concerts, museums, parks. You name it and we did it.

The problem is I was not taught how to relax, how to balance all that business with contentment and stillness. I discovered stillness in the Girl Scouts while spending time in the woods. Ahhh…I could breathe when I took time away by myself and was with nature. No talking, just nature.

The natural world is my safe place, my connection to myself, to God, to the core of me.

With my Mother now living with me I am reminded of the constant chatter, television and activity that is her. She could not teach me balance, how to relax because she cannot. We cannot teach something we do not ourselves possess.

As a child I would steal away in the closet to find some quiet. As I got older I would stay up late, sometimes all night just to have no one talking to me and be able to do whatever I wanted to without interruption or expectation. I find myself doing that now that Mom is living here with me.

I am working to create space for myself to relax. My home has been my safe, quiet space until now and I must get some piece of it back lest I crack. It is so triggering since my Mom is pretty much the same as she was when I was growing up. I find myself in fight, flight, freeze much too often these days and it is taking a toll on my physical, spiritual and mental health.

I keep reminding myself that my Mother is in the final stage of her life and I need to be as present as possible. But that is really difficult. I am going to do some 12 step work around my false beliefs, anger and mistrust of my Mother. This time is an opportunity for me to heal from this, my first interpersonal relationship. By doing so I have a chance to have more healthy relationships with others. Of course in the present, my relationship with Mom will likely improve now also.

God, I cannot do this on my own. Please help me be the person you want me to be. Please give me the strength and willingness to let go old thoughts, behaviors and fears. Thank you, Amen