At home, Pandemic still going on.

Stay at home order in effect through May 31. I am enjoying being home so much. Relaxing rejuvenating. Enjoying my home, pets and nature. A lot more present and grounded.

Down to 206 pounds for the first time in over 20 years. Being accountable to a Health Coach through my new Health Share Program has helped a lot.

Struggle areas are: in the evening I graze, crave crunchy things so keep getting a handful of nuts (which are too high in calories). There is an oral sensation that I keep trying to fulfill with food, but it doesn’t fulfill it. God, what can I do instead? Be present with my mouth and body before eating, drink a glass of water, pray, exercise.

My stomach can also have a “hollow” “gnawing” feeling, a sensation that draws me to eat even though I am not hungry or worse yet, when I am already full.

Next Friday 5/15 is the day I went to my brother’s house to meet with Hospice…

Feeling those emotions right now. That could be the gnawing in my stomach. Also just noticed that I was holding my breath and my mouth felt like having something crunchy. Maybe I need to move my tongue and jaw around, create saliva, be more present with my mouth sensations. I flee from those sensations because my 4 year old body remembers the penis in the back of her mouth and throat…

When I eat crunchy things or clench my teeth that sensation is not there. How else can I get rid of it? Swallowing, drinking something hot, pray. Touching the outside of my throat seems to help, soothes the inside. Gently covering my mouth with my hand also helps. Have to sit with it, be present to move through and past it…